mindset shifts that changed my life
Long time no post! I am about halfway through my semester abroad (which is crazy), and felt like now was the perfect time for a post like this. I won’t lie I used to think a lot of that “power of mindset” stuff was a bunch of bull but then I finally allowed myself to try it all out. Specifically, after reading “The Four Agreements” bu Don Miguel Ruiz. My mom brought me this book when she visited me in Dublin and I threw it on my bed and rolled my eyes. But I had extra time one day and started reading it, and I realized that we have a lot more control over the way we live our lives than we think we do. I decided to actually list some of my own mindset shifts that I’ve learned over time, both intentionally and unintentionally, that have truly changed my life. So with that said, here are 6 lessons that I implemented into my life that shaped the way that I experience it.
“Everything you can imagine is real”
You create your own reality. You can control how you experience the world by turning your focus inwards. I used to live in a world polluted by my own ‘if…then…’ laws. If I got into the hardest college, then I would think highly of myself. If I wore more makeup, then I would like myself more. If I performed better in running, then I would respect myself more. For most of my life I had thoughts like these running through my mind constantly, until I one day realized that I was in a time loop of competing with myself that touched every aspect of my life; a loop of competitions that I could never win. The harsh truth, is that none of these thought patterns were helpful or true. Asking myself this allowed me to finally understand that I had been standing in my own way for so long. I loved running but I used to be terrified of racing, because I was afraid I would perform badly. Since I based my self respect on my performance, I created the thought pattern: poor performance = self hatred. I honestly am ashamed to admit it, but I would be slightly relieved if I got injured or couldn’t compete. I felt bad about myself when I performed badly… how could I feel disappointed if I couldn’t physically perform at all? Looking back, I was never afraid to race. I was afraid of the mere possibility of having to face my suppressed self hatred head on. This is not a way to live. What if I could think highly of myself without having to go to the hardest college possible? What if I could feel beautiful without makeup? What if I could be proud of my hard work and dedication to running without centralizing all my energy towards the result? The only thing that can affect the way you feel about yourself or a situation, is you. It sounds silly, but just try it. Act like you have everything you want already. Act like you are proud of yourself, act like you are beautiful and strong and smart. Nothing on the outside needs to change, because if you believe you are living the life you desire, then you are already living it. Your reality is subjective- and you can build it in your mind.
You cannot change how others feel. I used to get in screaming fights with my parents a lot. For me, the worst part would not be the fight itself, but the feeling afterwards: sitting in my bedroom in the quiet after slamming the door with dry tears on my face, lightheaded with a leftover cough from how loud I had been screaming. Sitting in the physical aftermath of it, but also the psychological aftermath, knowing that it was not worth it, and I had not changed their opinions. My mom taught me that as I grew up, I would lose every fight I ever had if my goal was to change the other person’s views or opinions. Even if I sat them down and used all my energy explaining, I cannot change how anybody else feels. Referencing my mindset shift #4 (little teaser here), belief is everything. They are the only ones who can change their own beliefs, because they too are bound by their mind. They may listen to what you have to say, but whether they decide to do the internal work is solely up to them. Trying to force yourself into this individual process of shifting ones beliefs is a waste of your time.
Nothing you do should take away from your life, no matter how dedicated you are. “I performed at Lincoln Center” is my go-to fun fact nowadays. People are always surprised when I tell them I used to be a pretty serious cellist for eleven years of my life. I will always love my cello and I still play occasionally (I like to say I pick it up intuitively), but I always smile a little on the inside when people from college are shocked when I tell them I play. I started playing because it was mandatory to be in the orchestra in third grade, but I got really good really fast. I was performing with the high schoolers when I was 10 years old, two years later I was in the top orchestra in Westchester NY, and in high school I was in the Area All-State orchestra each year until the pandemic. I had rehearsals multiple times a week, some ending as late as 9pm and some requiring me to miss a few school days. That, on top of private lessons, still being an avid member of my school orchestra, and being in a cello duet that performed year-round, caused a severe burnout that I never understood until I finally decided to stop. I could have just reduced the intensity of my devotion to the instrument, but that’s not how I work. If I am going to be good at something, I am going to be the absolute best at it that I can possibly be. And as a cellist, I was good enough to be the best, so I did not allow myself to be anything less. I wanted to sit first stand at every performance, I wanted to receive perfect scores on my NYSSMA solos every year (an audition that essentially acted like the SATs of cello- your score got you onto the radars of all the big shot orchestras). Like I said, I love cello. But I hated the way I was doing it. During COVID I decided to “take a break”, which ended up turning into a full year without touching it at all. During this time I learned who I was outside of it. I started doing more art (you can see some of that on my blog!), baking, and most importantly I had the time to learn that I could be a pretty good distance runner if I applied myself. Now, when I pick up my cello randomly during my breaks from school I feel joy again. I feel at peace when I play. While yes, the rust is REAL and I no longer have superhuman hands, I don’t need it anymore. For the way I picture cello being in my life for the future, basic skills are enough. And I am so, so happy with that. As a type A perfectionist it pains me quit things, especially if they are things that I dedicated so much time to. But the hardest part (as usual) was making the decision to let it go.
Belief is everything. For better or for worse, we are bound by the walls of our own minds. You are only as strong as you believe you are, and once you understand this you can grow from the inside out. Do not allow your beliefs to imprison you. An example of this in my own life is running. In my early years of distance running competitively, I put a lot of pressure on myself to run 30+ miles per week, 6 days per week “like everyone else”, because I believed that this was the only way to improve. I also believed I could never be good unless I was able to train this way. In a cycle of pushing my body —> getting injured —> pushing my body —> getting injured, I (surprise) never got good. I believed, though, that I was not getting better because I kept getting injured before I could consistently train at an “optimal” level. Last summer I took a leap of faith, cut my mileage to around 20 over 3-4 days, added in a ton of cross training and lifting, and worked internally to change my beliefs about it all. And I did. Despite the fact that my training was not “typical”, or what a distance runner would consider “optimal”, I felt confident in it because I believed it would work. And it did. I cut 3 minutes off my cross country 6k in one summer. Your mind is your strongest weapon, and you can do amazing things if you believe you can.
Learn to be comfortable feeling uncomfortable. Allowing discomfort to hold you back from pushing forward with your goals would be to do yourself a disservice. This holds true in many aspects of life, because the growth happens when things get challenging. An example of this in my life is study abroad. I had the opportunity to study abroad for two semesters as a year-round college athlete, an experience that most athletes don’t even have once. My first time studying abroad was straight out of high school, spending my Freshman Fall in London. I fell in love with the city and feeling like I was truly immersed in the world. I could yap about that semester for hours- I am eternally grateful for it. Then I came to Hamilton. It took a while, but I learned to love the comfort of my small school, being a dedicated student-athlete, and being involved in all that I do on campus. Despite how much I love my Hamilton life, studying abroad again Junior year was a no-brainer for me. I got to Dublin and quickly realized that this was not London. My transition was not smooth, in fact, in January I struggled a lot. I struggled to get used to the city, living on a huge campus, taking lectures rather than small classes, and feeling generally far away from home. There were many days I wanted to go home at first. I was lucky that I fell into a solid group of awesome girls right off the bat, and it was helpful to navigate my new city with them, but I still felt very uncomfortable. I associated this discomfort with danger in my head. I felt that if I was not comfortable in my new environment, if I did not feel settled or relaxed, I should remove myself. I had a desire to “do what is best for me” and believed that being abroad was not it. But somewhere amidst all this I remembered something my coach said to me when we were making a race plan for my final 800m race of sophomore year. She said that the last 200 are going to hurt like hell, but that “when the alarm bells go off, bring yourself back to center. Sit in the hurt for a minute and before you know it the race will be over”. I applied that to my life here in Dublin. Repeating that mantra in my journal and in my mind gave me the breath of fresh air I needed to move forward, embracing the challenges, the spontaneity of being abroad, take advantage of the ability to travel. I still felt uncomfortable, but as I continued to learn and grow, I fell into a little routine here. Yes, sometimes I still feel far away. But learning to take these feelings, acknowledge them and allow them to pass has helped me take the pressure off and just experience. Allowing yourself to be uncomfortable at times is giving yourself a chance. You deserve a chance!
Do not do things if your only reason for doing it is to fulfill the dream of a younger version of you. She lives inside you, you do not live inside her. You know her and you love her, you see her when you look in the mirror but she has no idea who you are and she never will. Allow yourself to evolve. Live for your current self, chances are that’s what she would’ve done. Sometimes it can be hard to let go of lifelong goals if a younger version of you wanted more than anything to achieve them. But, it is important to remember that the reason that younger version of you wanted to achieve something big is because she loved to do it. If you no longer love to do it, letting go is okay. The feeling that you are letting down a younger version of you is a manifestation of your disappointment in yourself. Let yourself feel disappointed, but with time you will feel relieved. The hardest part of changing is deciding to change.
This was a long one, but I hope at least one of these mindset shifts resonated with you. If you are struggling to be who you want to be, or live the life you want to live, try implementing some of these strategies into your own day-to-day. Your mind is your strongest weapon!
SF
